Picture Perfect

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Picture Perfect

I was just reading a Madison Finn book, #8, Picture Perfect. It's about the girls being all psyched about winning tickets to go to this concert of their favorite popstar, who turns out to be this big faker and meanie.

Anyway, I realized how much I had changed from a few years back. Actually, I based it on the way I used to react to the book. See, I agreed a lot on other people's opinions. In Music and Lyrics, Sophie's professor, Sloane Cates, told her that...

"She could ape Dorothy Parker or Emily Dickinson...but stripped of someone else's literary clothes she was a vacant, empty imitation of a writer."

Not only as a writer, but I think that as a person I could have been anyone I wanted to be, but never really was anyone that I wanted to be. I mean, if I adored someone today I could walk and talk and think like her today, but if I had to be someone that was entirely me and would make me happy with myself, I don't think I could have done it. I lacked a solid ground upon which to stand and be rooted from. I knew what I liked, I knew what was right, I knew what I needed. But there was no clear way to go for me, but empty hopes and useless fears.

I used to agree with the shallow sheepish things of the book, like a concert possibly becoming the hugest best event on someone's life, or having family, friends, a crush who likes you back and a laptop is all you'll ever need to be happy. There were things I knew, things that really meant something more than those things, but they were pushed to the back of my head, and though they kept screaming at me to return to sanity I couldn't hear them.

I knew I was missing something.
I knew there was one thing that could make my life meaningful.
But I didn't know what.

I used to pride on my talents, and used to condition myself that when I turned a senior, I would be accomplished, decided, and just damned perfect and all-knowing.

And now, here I am.
I'm not the person I wanted to be. I didn't get the things I wanted, I didn't see things I dreamed of, I didn't feel and experience and become all those plans I had.

Instead of those things, I am someone better.

I am 15, and about to enter my last year of high school. I don't know what course to take in college, but I know that when I come up empty-handed and fail, God will be with me. I may not be the top student in class, but I know just how much my studies mean to me, and though I don't have the grades to show for it I learned my lessons, and then some. I might not have been able to pull myself through knowing who I am and having faith in myself, but I have been blessed, even undeservedly, and I know who Christ is and have faith in Him. I wanted to be able to look back at my life, smile, and say "yeah, I did that", and now, as I remember the days of my life I cry, and thank God for every moment He delivered me from my troubles, strengthened me n my trials, and uplifted me in my triumphs; and I can say not what I did and be proud of it, but say Philippians 4:13, not only for what I had, but what I do and what I will. I have no excuses, but a reason. I have no sorrows, but tears. I have no regrets, but a firm victory in Jesus Christ.

I got more than I bargained for.

I am grateful for His blessings.
I am humbled by His trials.
I am grown in my talents.
I am strengthened in my weaknesses.

II Corinthians 12:9
"And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."