Wednesday, May 14, 2008

I have a sad story to tell.

I'm leaving my barkada.

Well, I don't know exactly when, and, uhm, how.

Madz and Mel, I wish you'd find my blog, and read this post. You know I really do know I love you. And her. But you know how miserable I've been when I'm with her, how I've tried so many times to make it work but it never does, how ridiculous for me to keep on being with her when all I know is that it screws me up. She also makes me hate, her, and sometimes even myself. I can't understand just how she despises me; I can see it when she leaves me out, how just sore and irritable she is when she's with me. I hate myself when I'm with her. She makes me feel like crap. And I'm sorry to say this, but all those things even affect my relationship with God. And the obvious way she sneers at my conviction. That is the one thing that makes this a sure, definite good plan. I love you, and I love her, but I've got better uses for my heart than for people who'd love, and even kill, to see me fall.

...now, how will I be able to say that to them, that is the problem.

I don't mind much if I'll be alone on trips to the CR of during recess, and lunch, and dismissal. I knew that would be part of my decision. I'm leaving, and not asking her to leave, because this is a decision I'd made, and I'll bear what it takes, what it puts on the line. And because she needs them; no matter how tough she makes other people see her, she's weak, and I know it. I'll be fine. After all, I know Christ walks with me and talks with me everyday.

I feel the need to have to own up to this decision before school starts.

But you know what? Whenever I think of the last time I was with "her", and the friendship we used to have, I really find it in my heart, no matter how many times she'd hurt me, to cry. I wish there was something I could do to change the situation.

But I'm happy that even in this small way, I'll be able to stand up for Christ. When she'd persecuted me for my faith...okay, now I'm starting to feel resentment again. Sorry. But I'm leaving, and I'll be fine. I'll miss them, and I might lose faith and feel lonely. But I swear I'll be fine.

Kheeit.
Hiii. Thanks for coming.
I'm Kit. I'm the girl kind of Kit.
I love blue and noodles and stars and barefootedness.
I'm a Bible Baptist. I wear skirts ALL the time and have lots of heels and love J-e-s-u-s.
I'm SEVENTEEN. I can't believe I'm so old.
I'm a Biology major and it is ridiculously awesome.

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