( dreams )

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

It's a Tuesday morning.

It's June 3.

It's [count] exactly a week before classes.

Why isn't anything sinking in???

Yesterday I went out with Madoo and Melaikoo. We had fun, to say the least.

But I can't quite deny that nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that's something's wrong.

This whole summer I've been with church friends.

I have to admit, although we aren't as close as I am with my barkada, I feel so much more comfortable and in sync with them.

They went talking about the fabulous and posh lives they lead. And when those moments came on, it felt like I was falling away from them. Maybe it's because I'm not one to be able to catch up with them. And maybe this is the separation, and it took me this long to figure out.

As a Christian, I've learned to be separated from the world. It's not an ordinance; it's a choice, a fulfillment, it's obedience, it's faith. To detach yourself from the world and hang on to God. No pants. No movie theaters. It's a list that can go on and on. But what would it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his own soul?

I've been walking along that road. I'm happy.

But when I was with my barkada, I felt miserable. I thought maybe it was just me and being overly sensitive, or maybe them being insensitive. I kept trying to figure it out, talk it out, and pray for it. When I thought I got it, things kept ripping apart.

Come summer, I can't fully express how contented I was with my church friends. Being myself, and being around with Christians who shared the faith. I remembered what it was like to have real friends.

Yesterday, it was like scales were dropped in front of me, ready to test my heart, and my conviction.

And the thing is, I'm not just overreacting. And they're not being cruel.

The difference is that I'm a Christian, and I strive in and lead a Christian life. And while they are Christians by profession, they still live in this world. It was the imbalance, the depression I felt all that time. It was the problem I had been trying to figure out, the wrong I had been tryign to fix. I can't believe it took so long to dawn on me.

They're not being bad friends. I love them, and they undoubtedly love me. But this was an attachment I hadn't realized to let go of, and an attachment that pulled me downward. What I have to do is unclip myself from them, and replace myself into what God wants for me. Wearing pants. Going to movie theaters. Choosing friends. They were all part of the trial I was going through.

And I set my trust in Him. ♥