A long yet profound post. Beware.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Yesterday, I learned of God's peace happiness.

Today, the lesson was put to the test.

A lot went wrong. I felt so ridiculous and stupid during my morning classes.

I wanted to beat myself up for those conversions at Physics, I felt so stupid, conversion pa lang yun and I couldn't even get those right, so paano na kaya pag pumasok na yung mga theories and formulas???

I was so frustrated about never getting "high enough" scores in Math all since the start of lessons, so unlike my classmates, to whom getting perfect scores is such a norm and getting one mistake depresses them. I'm like the duckling among them, never as brilliant as any of them. I never seem to make it out on grades. Minsan ako pa nga yung pinakaunang makakaintindi ng lesson, pero ako pa rin yung mababa sa quiz at seatwork. Biruin mo ba naman, sa Math, there was this time na tinanungan pa ako ni Danson (resident Math genius besides Dio) dahil hindi niya maintindihan yung lesson. Huwaw, right? But somehow, the time when it's supposed to matter, namely, grading, that's when I fail myself. Kahit pag mag-aral ako, lagi na lang akong may mali. Pikon na talaga ako sa sarili ko. I was really upset and kept fighting back tears; I didn't let anyone notice.

Pati sa English. Ako yata yung pinakamababa dun sa quiz.

Entrep, we were made to choose to have only one: Beauty, Wealth, Knowledge, Popularity, Marriage, Great Family, Confidence, Power...and I chose none. I knew I shouldn't settle my affections of worldly things. Aside from me, there was one other person who didn't join, and I wonder whom. Chinese, okay lang din. Filipino, late yung inspiration para sa poem, but I was pleased with my work. Econ, ditto. I have the nagging feeling my barkada is falling apart, and I can't deny that it bothers me. Plus, it was just last week that I doubted if I could ever pull off Hillstar.

I kept telling myself through the whole day that this was God's chastening, because He loves me. That this was my thorn in the flesh, to keep me from glorying in myself. That those things were light affliction compared to what Christ suffered for me. That God's grace was sufficient, and that he sends more strength, love and comfort as the afflictions increase. These were all verses I went through on my devotions that morning, and they kept me sane, though on the edge, sane as in keeping me from doubting God. I was so thankful I was armed with those few words, yet in those moments they meant the world to me.

And then I realized: all these were more than just a test; it was an answered prayer.

I didn't ask God to make me miserable, obviously. But I did ask Him to take away my pride (see last week's posts), to continue refining me, to be made weak that I may glory in His presence in me (II Cor 12:9-10). And this morning, to keep me safe, when I opened my Bible, it opened to this chapter that I outlined as my "pride lesson" in Proverbs, and I read it through. I now realize I was given provision for my test, and the best test He did give by striking me at my core, my studies, my pride of mind. And when I couldn't go any further and learned what I needed to learn, He gave me comfort through the people around me, who loved me and looked out for me, and His own direct comforting me, by bringing to my consciousness not to curse the Lord, but to remember His words and have them spoken to me, in my heart, when and where I needed to have it the most.

He walks with me, and talks with me every single day, just as if I could see Him and touch Him and hear Him like anybody else.

And He walks with me and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own. And the joy we share as we tarry there, none other has ever known.
-In the Garden, Miles Austin