Get out.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

The one-week vacation-slash-horror trip that NSPC was was not healthy for me at all. I am too used to living lax, not being too pressured, being with sane people. Now I am thrust back into the melodrama that is my life and "falling apart" is a good way to start describing it.

I am not falling apart. I mean, not ME. Everything around me.

Or maybe it is me and I'm just delusional.

School requirements. The usual blood, sweat and tears. But teachers are being more irrational. Classmates are more tense, moody, crazy. Everyday big things seem to happen, like Altoz's dad's dying*. We're cramming and being tortured, not learning--sometimes. Nothing makes sense.

Graduating. It is a bleak three weeks away. It doesn't feel like it's supposed to. I don't know, actually, how I'm supposed to feel and react. Ends, beginnings--they're all jumbled up in my head.

College. I am a nail, and it is the hammer, and it is springing on my head every moment or so, not to mention that it is disorienting and it leaves me feeling like, well, a piece of rust dissolving into air.

Writing. Every single thing I write reminds me of what I blew at NSPC, my dreams of becoming a writer, the seeming impossibility. Not that it is impossible, I know. But it just seems to.

Friends, acquaintances. They puzzle me. I realize for real that people are fallible and that I can only truly rely on God--I cannot make my happiness, dependence and security fall to their hands. Some friends feel like they're out to get me. Some don't understand when I need them to. I know they have problems. But do they make problems for others too? Everyone is selfish nowadays. I am smothered in all the self-concern and vanity around me. It's hard to catch a breath.

Me. I am insecure. Afraid to fall out of grace. Tired. Need sleep, need a brain, need to feel. I keep praying out of nowhere, sometimes a whisper, sometimes in a blink, sometimes in the dead of the night when I fall to my knees and struggle in silence.

Needless to say, it's a tough time. For everyone.

But we have to keep strong.
We're almost there.
We've made it this far.
And turning back means falling and failing through everything we've worked for and become.

I can't believe how much I keep smiling.

Tarry, people.
We all have to remember: keep smiling. Keep loving. Keep faith. :D ♥

* Please pray for Altoz. PRAY PRAY PRAY. You might not know him, and you might not care, but now you do and now you need to. ♥