Woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Exhibit A - Sam and me, talking, obviously pre-graduation. Church, by the iron gates.

We were talking about college.
Specifically, we were talking about leaving for college.
The thing is, hardly anyone in church moves away, because of, well, the church.
It's a good thing.
However, for college, we were talking about changing, renewing ourselves, "reinventing", as our Entrep teacher Maam Jocy calls it.
We both talked about wanting to get away.
And Sammi said something like this:
"How do we change here when the people around us know us, and don't trust us and will not be able to accept us when we start changing?"
Nice hit, Druggie.

Exhibit B - Me, talking to my parents. Around graduation. Dining table.

Kit: I just thought, you know, that...I wanted to change for the better, in college. And how could I do that, when the people here will not listen, will not believe I can change?
Them: *went on yammering about something completely different*

Exhibit C - last night.

Inspired out of the blue, I realized that it had been a week since summer officially started and that I have just whiled away my time. So I came up with an eternally long to-do list. I even set up an alarm. I was so proud, and I was feeling so hopeful, and like I could finally stop moping around and staring off and get a move on life, on becoming that someone I wanted to be.

Exhibit D - This morning. In our room. I was semi-awake. This did the semi out of it, though.

...well, I don't really know what to say. It's kind of painful to recall, repeat and then type what they said. I'm sorry.

But there they were, complaining about me and my miserable failures and the things I couldn't do, and wouldn't do. Maybe it was in a concerned parent way, maybe in jokey way for them, but it hurt. I opened my eyes and felt like a fresh packet of tears was unsealed along with it. My head ached trying to stop crying, I put a pillow over my head to muffle the whimpers, to pat off the tears. When they left, I teared and whimpered and snot all I wanted to. It was painful, and I needed a way out. I tried reading a verse, but the phone rang, they went in, and I couldn't take it. I ran downstairs, sat on a stair step, and saw the computer and just felt like wording it out.

And here I am.

I was feeling, college, schmollege.

I feel like my mistakes have set the rest of my life for me. Mistakes that were wrong, sad decisions, mistakes that were honest mistakes, mistakes that were out of stupidity, so many, many mistakes. Is it so difficult to believe someone can and wants to change for the better? How do I change my life when no one around me thinks it's possible for me? It's so hard to see through all that and find a reason to change. It is so difficult, so very difficult, especially the people who love you and that you love, those you thought knew you and would accept you.

I am just so tired of hearing my mistakes thrown in my face. So very tired, so very burdened, so very sick of it all. Despite any apology, or solution, or change, there is no changing anyone's mind. I am my failures. My failures must embody the person who brought them, I guess. And so it does.

I take a breath and my chest feels like it weighs a ton.

And so no matter what they say and no matter what it takes and no matter the fact that I am on my own on this and no matter my mistakes, I will change.

Lamentations 3:19-27
Remembering mine affliction and my misery, the wormwood and the gall.
My soul hath them still in remembrance, and is humbled in me.
This I recall to mind, therefore have I hope.
It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.
They are new every morning: great is Thy faithfulness.
The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in Him. The Lord is good unto them that wait for Him, to the soul that seeketh Him.
It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the Lord.
It is good for a man that he bear the yoke of his youth.