Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Father,

I am sorry.
How do I start again?

Monday, April 05, 2010

I messed up.

I didn't feel like praying because I felt so unworthy to come to His throne of grace, even though I knew it was the only way, but I kept putting it off. I was so very ashamed.

The first thing that entered my mind was these words from a song:

"shameful failure and loss"

So I looked up the song in the songbook, my mind too fuzzy to remember on my own. I needed to know what the rest of the lyrics were, because if the song says something about failure and loss, it must say something about getting out of that as well, because anyone but my great, almighty Father God would allow failure and loss to be the end.

And then I found it. The song title is Jesus, I Come.

The line belongs to the second verse.

Out of my shameful failure and loss,
Jesus I come, Jesus I come.
Into the glorious gain of the cross,
Jesus I come to Thee.

And then I start crying the tears that were long overdue.

How??? How could simply coming to Him from shameful failure and loss suddenly become glorious gain of the cross??? How could that happen??? How is that possible??? How could what I have done be acceptable and redeemable???

But I know the answer.

He loved me, and gave Himself for me.

It is that simple. It is that simple rule that broke all the others.

Thank You.

Forgive me.

I love You, because You first loved me, and taught me how.

Thank You.

Monday, April 05, 2010

I love You anyway.

-I say to Him now, because two thousand years ago, He said the same thing and died on the cross for me.

And I must carry up my own cross too.

Last, promise.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Oh fudge.

I didn't catch March 1st and my March 1st post is under 2nd. That is crappy.

Oh well. They day is never over until I crash to sleep is what I always say.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Okay. Breathe slow.

I'm on a high from sleeping all afternoon after realizing how knocked out I was from the irrational schedule of the past weekend because of the Camiguin field trip. Event chain right there.

I am whizzing through studying and blogging and I think I'll be doing this all night, but as for now there has been a lot more blogging. Is this what coke-induced writers feel like when they write with their hearts beating like there's no end? However this is not coke, but a sort of jet lag, only its, um college lag. I think that word is gonna be in my vocab forever.

I keep wanting to tell all but then my brain always just narrows down to a few kiss-untold phrases that never really sum up to the thing. hence the string of unsettled posts.

But now I think I've finally caught my tongue on just the eureka I needed to decipher how I'm feeling, and it's one word.

Honey, I'm feeling super. ;)

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

It's March 1st and although it may be kind of late I am HOPEFUL.

I learned something.

Monday, March 01, 2010

Had a fantastic weekend of running all over Camiguin, including the shuttle back and forth. I think this suddengetaway/field trip was the inspirtion for this new thought.

I can be everything I dream to be.

Alicia Keys said that
"I don't ever need to be just one thing ever. I don't ever WANT to become just one thing."

I draw a fine line on having my way and following God's will. But I know He wants me to be happy and has a beautiful and amazing future for me slated in His will that I just have to figure out. First semester of college was a heartbreaking acceptance of choosing the right path and turning my back on writing. Second semester was letting go and coming into the steps of beocming a good doctor. Though I haven't made much of that yet, I'm pretty sure now that I'll try my very bestest. Because now I know exactly what I can become in His guidance. I'm not yet sure I'm set up fofr this fabulous dream of mine but I'm a hundred percent sure that it is possible. I'm only finding out the magnitude of God's power and not imposing my dremas on His perfect will.

I can be a writer, an artist, a cook, an entrepreneur, and a doctor. I could even become an astronaut if I wanted to.

I thought that I would have to turn my back on writing for good. I didn't see how I could fit both together. I envisioned myself doing both someday, but I didn't know how I could do it now.

It's so hard to explain but I just know it. And I am just so blessed. :D