Rainy days, gloomy skies.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Rainy days, gloomy skies. It makes me think, especially when I'm alone.

The rest of the family went to Nabunturan for the day. Nagpaiwan ako for the food review. Left the house at 11:30, distinctly feeling that I was forgetting something. When I thought about it, nothing seemed to be out of place. Appliances unplugged. Aircon off. Brushed teeth. Essentials at hand. Check, check, and check. And then I realized I forgot to do my devotion. I felt instantly gloomy, and the weather agreed. What horrifies me now is that I didn't even snatch a quick prayer on the way, on the jeep. I feel really bad now.

Well, anyway, not to say I didn't have fun with the staff there. I did. For a split second, before separating to our respective places, I had a funny feeling that I didn't want to go yet. However, the house to myself, with cheesecake and TV and internet on a rainy Saturday, the idea beckoned to me. Now I feel very cheesy about it.

Yes, this post is about FEELINGS. I've used the word more than once, I noticed. Even more gross about it? MY FEELINGS. Beware.

The cheesecake seemed more sour than it should have been. I thought of how I sneered at Vanesa Hudgens, with all her posters sneaking up everywhere because of the HSM3 showings, and how we joking around that she was Vanessa's idol (peace, Van). I thought of ridiculous puppy love. I thought of pictures, and in fact searched the net for it, but nothing seemed to satisfy my eye. I thought of crying. I kind of felt like it. But there is nothing to cry for. I thought of turning 16, and whether it was going to be sweet or not. I remembered everyone who was greeting in advance, some asking what I wanted for my birthday as a joke, because they were so far away and couldn't really give me presents. I wondered what I really wanted for my birthday. I wondered what poeple would want for Christmas, which was only two months and two weeks away. I wondered how this Christmas would be like.

I hate emo days. They don't make sense.

I remembered Who Am I, the casting crowns songs. I remebered the lyrics,

Not because of who I am,
But because of what You've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who You are.

Wondered why I felt like I was reeling away from Him. How I guilty I was that it was true.

And then there went the rest of the song:

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth 
Would care to know my name 
Would care to feel my hurt 
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star 
Would choose to light the way 
For my ever wandering heart 

Not because of who I am 
But because of what You've done 
Not because of what I've done 
But because of who You are 

I am a flower quickly fading 
Here today and gone tomorrow 
A wave tossed in the ocean 
Vapor in the wind 
Still You hear me when I'm calling 
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling 
And You've told me who I am 
I am Yours, I am Yours 

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin 
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again 
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea 
Would call out through the rain 
And calm the storm in me 

Not because of who I am 
But because of what You've done 
Not because of what I've done 
But because of who You are 

I am a flower quickly fading 
Here today and gone tomorrow 
A wave tossed in the ocean 
Vapor in the wind 
Still You hear me when I'm calling 
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling 
And You've told me who I am 
I am Yours 

Not because of who I am 
But because of what You've done 
Not because of what I've done 
But because of who You are 

I am a flower quickly fading 
Here today and gone tomorrow 
A wave tossed in the ocean 
Vapor in the wind 
Still You hear me when I'm calling 
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling 
And You've told me who I am 
I am Yours 

I am Yours 
Whom shall I fear 
Whom shall I fear 
'Cause I am Yours 
I am Yours

And then everything suddenly had a point. I knew exactly why, and what for.